The World Swindler

Because everyone was so overjoyed and in such awe, they did not know what great honor to bestow upon him. And because they knew that he had not eaten in three days, they did not want to detain him, so they all accompanied him, with great honor and respect, to his guesthouse. (47) The king ordered the royal orchestra to play in honor of God’s Deputy. The town was brightly illuminated. All the streets and windows were lit up with lamps and lanterns in honor of the heavenly person. And the overlord beamed so bright that his light shot right up to heaven.

The king and all his ministers hugged and kissed the heavenly man. After all, their relationship to him made it possible for them to be honored, if only by virtue of witnessing the holy man’s great marvel and having contact with him. And when the queen heard about it, she asked the King to invite the Holy One to the royal palace one more time so that she too could be honored by his presence. The king was not eager to be discourteous to heaven’s angel, so the overlord was sent to make the request. When the overlord returned to the queen with the good news that the Holy Man would come, she and all her great ladies dressed up in their finest to greet him. The road to the royal palace was lined with roses and each lady kneeled and showered him with grand presents. The king and all his great men also bestowed him with wonderful royal gifts.

Reb Simkhe made a special trip to the synagogue, and the king and all his great men joined him. There, Simkhe ordered a special blessing be made for the king. All the Jews gathered in honor of the king. He in turn, received them beautifully and endowed the synagogue with a large donation. What’s more, all the poor folk were honorably invited to the king’s court. And all the Jews accompanied them with great respect and everyone cheered and called out, ‘May our King and Queen and all their children live and be well!’

When they got back to the palace, there were already very many coaches waiting. The king’s coach was prepared for Reb Simkhe. It was loaded with gold, silver and money and very expensive gifts and the king and queen rode with them for a while and then wished them (48) a good trip. But before the king bid them his leave he said the following to him: ‘Everything I’ve given you is only for now. I will shortly send everything you and yours might need and I will take care of you like a father cares for his own child.’ Many Jews also came to bid him farewell. They threw I.O.U. notes and donations into his coach. He took everything with him, nodding his head to every gift sent his way, thinking he had arrived in Seventh Heaven.

The overlord, the king’s son, and Simkhe all rode in the king’s coach. All the other great men accompanied them in a train of carriages. Very many coaches with very important people in them, accompanied the king’s coach. When Reb Simkhe and all the other important people were already not far from home, only one or two miles from town, a band rode forth on horseback and a big parade was staged in front of Reb Simkhe’s door. Music trumpeted in honor of Madame Simkhe. The news that her loving husband was on his way was delivered to her as well as a friendly letter from the queen with warm regards from herself and all her royal ladies. Madame Simkhe opened it and looked at it like a rooster would at a man. She then thanked them very much.

As the coaches transporting Reb Simkhe approached, all the town Jews came out. They witnessed the overlord, the prince, and several generals, escorting Reb Simkhe and honoring him like slaves before their king. All these great men stayed for several days, mounting great parades and joyous parties on every one of those days. When it was time to take their leave of the tzadik and his Madame, they left grand gifts and went on their way.

In a few days a newspaper broadside was issued by the king stating, in his own hand, that it be known to the world that there was no greater holy man in all the world, endowed with heaven’s holy wisdom, (49) as the great genius, Reb Simkhe. And anyone who, God forbid, tried to deny it, or God forbid, speak against His Holy Honor, would be sentenced to death. He stated that gifts and money from the monarch’s court would be sent him ad infinitum. In short, his reputation reached from one end of the universe to the other, among foreign nations as well as among the Jews. Everyday people arrived from all ends of the earth. And if, of a hundred sick people 99 died and one survived, the ones who died were not given any thought—only the one who lived was recalled, and the news that the rabbi had saved a life resounded throughout the world. And that is how the whole world was deceived by this thick-headed scoundrel. Even scholars and wise men were duped. They journeyed to see him because they believed in this greedy pig as if he were a true prophet. The swindle blinded the whole world. One had to wait a very long time at his door to gain the merit of being allowed in. The word was that he fasted from shabes to shabes and that no one ever saw him eating. The truth was he actually didn’t eat—stuffed himself like a blind horse. It was done so cleverly that no one besides his wife knew of it. She in fact brought everything into him clandestinely so that no one would see. And in public she lamented to people about how anguished she was that her husband was not eating.

Very great men came to call—rabbis, good Jews, (also Jews as good as he was), scholars, even ones who were aware of the lies and deceptions—came. At that time there were hasidic shtibls³⁴ in every town devoted to the Holy Rabbi, Reb Shimon the Righteous³⁵. The cabalists among them said in private that Reb Simkhe was the reincarnation of the sainted Shimon the Tzadik, may he rest in peace. They said that the word PLAKHTE, in Jewish numerology, was equivalent to the word, TZADIK. And whoever did not go to that shtibl, or travel to see Him, was not considered an honorable man. Because of that, scholars, students and wise men had to travel there against their will. And if (50) perchance, a learned one was able to see through the dupe, and cried out the real truth—that the world was crazy to go on pilgrimages to such a gorger, to such a thick skulled Joe Shmo, who deceives God and the world, to believe in such a criminal, such a liar, who doesn’t know the difference between cursing Haman and blessing Mordechai— if that happened then all of Plakhte’s hasidim would scream, ‘This man is a heretic, he will not get his share in the world to come because he doesn’t have the faith of a learned man.’

It would happen that another wise man or scholar or learned one, would say to the one who denied Simkhe, ‘Listen up dear brother, I understand the sham of the sacred and the craziness of the world just as well as you do. I have given this much thought—when an intelligent person with good common sense finds himself among crazy people he must not tell them they are crazy but agree with them, confirming every insane act he witnesses as good and just. If he says they are crazy they will point back at him, crying out that he is crazy, and very likely threaten his life. So then my dear friend, be still and leave everyone to his foolishness. Then we won’t have to worry about turning the whole world upside down.’ ‘You are right dear friend,’ the first would respond, ‘I will heed your advice.’ So the two learned men would share their secret between them, but they would also go to the hasidic shtibl and to the rebe’s shabes evening meal and partake of leftovers from his table—a chunk of herring from the rebe’s plate—and drink to his health, ‘Long may he live! Long may he live!’ They also said of him. ‘May great wonders long live through him.’ Wonders they never saw nor heard. And Reb Simkhe continued to preach deeper and deeper Torah.

One shabes there were very many hasidim visiting and the gabe worked with him all week on what he would say that shabes. But Simkhe Plakhte had a memory like an old cat. When it came time to give his Torah talk all the hasidim became very quiet in order to merit hearing deep Torah from the holy source. He began his talk greatly impassioned. The fire of aquavit burned in him, and due to his fiery state he devoured all the fish, along with all of the meat placed before him, not leaving a shred of holy remnants on his plate to share with his audience. (51) The gathered looked at each other but everyone thought to himself, who knows the extent of this mystery, and turned instead to quenching their thirst with his sermon.

So he opened his mouth like Balaam’s ass and said, ‘When Ham murdered his brother Cain, Potiphar built the ark. Balaam the wicked and Nebuchadnezzar were on the ark. Oy, Jonah, Jonah, Jonah, Jonah. The dove took flight and dragged the wicked Balaam with him on his right wing and Nebuchadnezzar on his left. At that time King Ahasuerus was at war with Balak, the son of Tsipor. In the meantime the Jews of Shushan were feasting at the festival of Balak Ben Tsipor. And that is why Ahasuerus rushed into the desert to curse the Israelites. When the dove saw that the holy Jews were about to be cursed, she spread one of her wings, as is written, ‘…and his wings shall spread…’ and from beneath them one unyielding donkey appeared, as it is written, ‘…a donkey caused it…’ So Balaam sprang forth and seated himself on the donkey, ‘…and he rode upon his ass…’ and murdered Ahasuerus. So Samuel the prophet appeared and killed Balaam because he had destroyed the first temple. Wicked Haman was thus born and had King Nebuchadnezzar hanged in the land of Egypt where Korah made peace with Haman at Rachel’s Tomb, that the patriarch Jacob had purchased from Shechem, son of Hamor. A heavenly voice was heard from the heavens, ‘…no trick or wise actions will help you nor will brave heroics come to your aide...’ It is written in the Holy Gemara that there will be naught for you or for me. That means, the way you make your bed is how you will sleep. Again King David, may he rest in peace, said in the scroll of Esther, ‘…the angel that protects me from harm will bless…’ meaning, if you don’t comb your hair it will get tangled. The explanation of this secret is, as it is written in the verse, ‘…you will not immerse your utensils nor kindle the lights…’ meaning, everyone one is paid what they have earned. And therefore it is true that Korah mocked the honor of the two tzadiks, Dathan and Abiram, because he did not want to appear lowly before them so he descended to the lowest level. (52) But Haman honored the Tzadik Mordechai by humoring him and doing everything exactly as Mordechai would have liked. So the Tzadik Ben Hamdata merited to achieve the highest level. Ha, ha, ha, may I and all of you, my hasidim, also merit to rise to such heights. Time for all of you to say, Amen.’ And they all yelled out, ‘Amen. Amen. Amen.’

Such despicable Torah had the capacity of putting the Hasidim’s lives at risk. The boneheads practically died of fright from these fiery secrets of the Torah. At the same time, truly wise men and scholars had to contain themselves from splitting their sides with laughter. And if they did allow themselves a good laugh, their lives felt at risk. So the true scholars said to each other, ‘The old saying, why do I need wisdom if foolishness reigns, is true.’