The World Swindler

So now Reb Simkhe Plakhte resided in his own establishment made up of six fully furnished drawing rooms.

The overlord then sent for his personal tailor and ordered Reb Simkhe be regally clothed from head to toe in the best silks available. Five to six outfits, a silk bathrobe and a genuine white satin cassock with a big white silk sash and several expensive furs were made for him. The countess took Madame Plakhte’s hand and brought her to her court’s ladies’ tailor and then to a store where they loaded up on dresses. All household items including underwear and bed linens of the most sumptuous quality were provided for them. A mass of jewelry was bought for the Madame Simkhe at the goldsmith’s and she was adorned like a princess. She was given a purse containing several hundred gold coins and the count and his wife told Reb Simkhe and his wife not to spare any of the money. ‘You must buy anything your heart desires with it. You will never have a lack of funds. I will send you more every week.’ Two peasants were assigned to serve and protect the household. They were given a small apartment on the top floor to live in. Wheat and veal and poultry were provided and the lord gave Simkhe his gold pocket watch. And his wife, the countess, bestowed many splendid gifts upon Madame Plakhte. Then they took their leave, with great respect, and made sure the two peasants, would in no uncertain terms, be true and devoted to the Plakhtes. And then they went home.

When the overlord got home, greatly exhilarated, he arranged to throw a huge ball. He invited all his servants (23) and village peasants to tell them about God’s right-hand man. All were in great wonderment and very happy.

Our Reb Simkhe and his wife, once again got very involved with their pots and pans, vessels and receptacles. They put their old ones aside because they were now too small. Pots as big as kegs and basins the size of tubs were bought. And all they did all day long was devote themselves to their meals. An entire peasant community could not have consumed all that they devoured each day. And every week they received flour from the count’s estate, and food, and veal, and poultry. And every week a purse full of money was sent them. The countess sent over several very good milk cows so that Madame Plakhte would have enough milk and butter. Servants were sent to tend to the cows—to milk them and make butter. In short, Reb Simkhe Plakhte regally resided in very lavishly furnished rooms. He had a staff of peasant men and women to serve him and everything was conducted like on a manor. He wore only silk and his old spodek was traded in. Reb Simkhe now wore a sable hat that cost 100 rubles. And his long white robe and sash were now made of pure satin. He carried a genuine Moses staff with a good silver head that weighed about half a pound. Madame Plakhte now wore a countess’ attire and two Jewish domestics worked in the kitchen. And all the townsfolk were witness to it all. Some of them laughed and others could not contain themselves but everyone had to show respect, as they were afraid to be reported to the overlord.

Reb Simkhe went around dressed like one of the greatest good Jews²⁴. To maintain this stance, he understood that he would be in need of counsel. So he hired a man well versed in all the customs of a good Jew and an expert in putting on a sanctimonious, holier-than-thou face. That swindler sang the praises of the Holy Rabbi—that he ate nothing, that he demonstrated great wonders (24) and that he was a sworn-in emissary of God.

This very person became his shames, his personal gabe, and he taught the rabbi how to pray a little. An old woman, who also knew how to pray and read, hooked up with them as well, so that the rebetsn would also learn some praying and reading. And off she went proudly to shul holding her women’s prayer book just like a proper rebetsn.

The shamish became Reb Simkhe’s manager. He managed everything very judiciously so there was never a lack of money. He had a mikve²⁵ installed and a big study house with several closets filled with sforim²⁶. A separate little study hall, fitted out with holy books for the Holy Rabbi, where he could spin out his talks, was also provided for him.

Reb Simkhe established his house be open to the poor. Whoever came in hungry, left sated. He and she both gave a lot to charity. And his little study house was beautifully painted, furnished and illuminated by many candlabras and lamps. There was a large copper washstand by the door with a big washbasin and two large towels. A big mezuzah hung on a silver doorpost. Everything was in place to make it look like a real Hasidic Master’s establishment. He would sit all alone in his study hall and pitifully gorge day and night, like a horse.

Every week the overlord sent far more than needed. And the lord and his lady, along with their entire court, believed they had attained great honor by having lived to have such a unique Pod Pan Bog in their town. They were convinced that he could relieve any problem or illness that might befall them. And all the dignitaries and peasants of the surrounding villages and towns knew about the God’s Deputy. The count and countess saw to it that he be very well known among all the gentry and heads of state. The most distinguished and eminent members of the upper crust sent splendid gifts to God’s Second-in-Command. Long story short, Reb Simkhe Plakhte and his wife lived so happily and pleasurably that the wealthiest, most powerful denizens could not match up to the way they lived and enjoyed. (25) They had everything good and they never lacked for money. There was never any business that worried them. Their only concern was thinking about food preparation and consumption, like where they would obtain the biggest pots, basins and pails. They lived this way, in peace and enjoyment, for several years.