The World Swindler

(37) Real Hasids, rabbis and scholars, also came to see him. They conducted themselves with great respect towards him. It sometimes happened that foreign Hasids would inquire privately of the gabe about why the rabbi never uttered a word of Torah at his table. ‘What would you understand of his Torah?’ the gabe would respond. ‘He studies only the deepest secrets of Jewish mystical tradition, long may he live, his Torah comes from heaven’s highest spiritual world.’ But then, the scoundrel finally figured out a way for the rabbi to preach Torah at his table. He sat with the drunken glutton day and night and relayed to him all the stories he knew by heart from the khumesh and the tanakh³⁰, making sure he was clear on all of it.

One shabes, when many scholars and rabbis were present, they very much wanted the rebe to give a sermon. So the gabe gave his word to implore him, who would in turn say, ‘What’s the point, they won’t understand any of it anyway.’ But as long as his Torah commentaries remained hidden mysteries, he’d do it.

Long story short, when they finished eating the rabbi opened his mouth, his eyes glazed over (he was good at mimicking the motions the gabe had taught him but he could not remember the stories very well) and proceeded: ‘Ha, ha, ha. Ni, ni, ni. Oy, oy oy. When Noah went to war with the Philistines in the desert and Noah lost the war, it was decreed that Isaac be sacrificed. And that sacrifice was the cause of this long exile. Oy, oy, oy. Ha, ha, ha. Ni, ni, ni.’ With that, the ritual washing after the meal and blessings were performed culminating with the crying out of, 'Light is sown for the righteous!'³¹

After the blessings, one hasid said to another, ‘Are you well versed in Torah?’ ‘Ha why, are you a big expert? This is Kabbala³²!’ he shot back. Another one chimed in, ‘This is very deep. These are the deepest secrets. I told you, the gabe said that his Torah is not for sentient beings—it’s only for angels.’

When the audience went home, the rabbi’s reputation regarding hidden Torah mysteries, spread throughout the world. (38) His teachings were beyond compare and impossible to describe. In this way, hasidim and scholars from many towns, as well as minor rabbis, gathered together and traveled to hear the mysteries of the Torah. At his table, the rabbi continued to proclaim his fraudulent commentaries. ‘When King Nimrod waged war against King Saul, Daniel interpreted the dream of the 7 cows that Pharaoh had at the Jordan River. And the reason it doesn’t rain now in the Land of Israel is because the Jordan was smitten with blood. Until the crime of Jonah the Prophet’s murder in the temple is put right the town of Goshen will not be built and it will rain.’ And he kept on delivering more of these types of sermons, like, ‘When King Agog waged war against Nebuchadnezzar, Joseph and his brothers were sold into slavery in Egypt and had no rest until Korach built an ark against the flood. And this was an allusion to the First Temple.’

He revealed many more hidden mysteries that required explanations in order to be understood by very learned scholars of Kabbalah. Everyone in his audience would look at each other and be ashamed to say they didn’t understand a bit of it. Some even said they understood. ‘These deep mysteries are impossible to explain. It was worth traveling a thousand miles to hear about them,’ one would say because he was embarrassed in front of another. And if there were several sitting at the table who were true scholars and learned men and knew that this Joe Shmo was an ignorant glutton, only worthy of having his hands and feet broken, they had to remain silent. They had to say they had never in their lives heard such excellent Torah before. And they had to travel to visit him. If, God forbid, a bad word was said against him, the culprit would be branded a heretic and might not escape with his life. For those vile, ignoble people who believed, like the peasants did, that he was truly God’s Deputy, his reputation grew ever larger. (39) Long story short, pilgrims from all ends of the earth traveled to see him. He was regaled with money as if it were sand. All who gave him money experienced great joy, feeling they had achieved great merit when the rabbi honored them by accepting their gifts.

The overlords and peasants, particularly his own overlord, sent him the best of everything you ever could imagine, every week. In short, Reb Simkhe sat on his high throne, honored by everyone, and gorging himself to no end. In this way, he lived peacefully for quite some time.